I’m Not Sure

I used to be Christian. I was baptized in my very early 20s when my daughter was just a baby. I started studying the Bible, attending weekly service, Bible study on Wednesday, I was in the choir and served as Secretary of the Missionary Ministry. Somehow, I never felt connected to God or Jesus even doing all of that. I never felt like I belonged in church. I always felt like an outsider – an outcast.

I didn’t grow up in a very religious home. My stepmom was Catholic; my dad Baptist. Well, at least that was the labels they held for themselves. Neither ever went to Church. There wasn’t even a Bible in our home growing up. I can remember my stepmom making me pray the Our Father and Hail Mary prayers, but only when I was in trouble. They always said that church was filled with hypocrites, and I believed them. When I got older and started going to church for myself I found out they were right. Church really is filled with a bunch of hypocrites that are incredibly judgemental.

Back to my Church days. I say I was Christian but I don’t think that is an accurate statement. I played Christian. I was a great actress. I don’t think I ever truly believed. It wasn’t until the recent events of Charlie Kirk’s passing that I finally understood the glory and power of God and Jesus. I need to repent. I need to get right with God. I’m not even sure if I can at this point.

I have committed terrible sin. I turned it witchcraft some years ago when I was dissatisfied with the answers I was getting from Church leaders regarding things in the Bible that didn’t make sense. I went down a terrible rabbit hole of misinformation regarding the Bible and I believed it. Lies were so much easier to believe that the truth. So I gave up on Jesus. I renounced him. I cursed his name and I denied his divinity. I would say things like I believe in God but I don’t believe in Jesus, however when I was exasperated or exacerbated I would say “Jesus” or “Lord” in a blasphemous way. I led my children down this dark path with me. I did psychedelics and came face to face with more than one demonic entity attached to me. I cried out that I was a child of God and they couldn’t harm me and they didn’t, but they refused to leave.

I have chronic pain and health issues. My health continues to fail even after losing 100 lbs. I know it is demonic. My daughter disrespects me and I know that is demonic. I need help. I know only that the Church is a hospital for broken people. Well I am as broken as they come. I want to start over with God if that is possible. I want to get to know Jesus and I want to believe. I’m just not sure how or even if I can.